Obama to Issue Executive Order to Drastically Transform Military Mission

SATIRICAL_NEWS

In a candid speech delivered today at a luncheon with supporters, the President announced his intentions to issue an Executive Order that would fundamentally transform the US Military mission.

Obama

In rare remarks, the President outlined his goal to transform the American military from one that, “wages war,” to one that, “wages peace.”

The President elaborated, “for too long, America has been seen as a force of oppression and tyranny in much of the world. Most of that is a result of our helping people at the end of a spear. As we all know, spears are sharp and they aren’t very much help to anyone especially when you are making a thrusting motion with them. People tend to get hurt in that particular situation. If we learned anything from our most recent conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan it is that you can’t win hearts and minds with bullets or spears.”

The plan calls for the unilateral disarmament of all US fighting forces and the implementation of much more “people friendly” changes. Some changes scheduled to hit later this fiscal year include mandatory sensitivity training including a four hour course entitled, “Am I Making the World a Better Place?”

These changes are sure to send a ripple through the military and the President acknowledged, “this isn’t going to be easy, there are going to be challenges we will face down the road. I know this is the right thing to do.”

The Infantry is slated to receive the brunt of changes as one staffer noted, “almost everyone in the Army is basically Infantry so they will see the most changes.”

We will keep you up to date and informed on this still breaking story.