Military to Lead by Example with Assault Weapons Ban

SATIRICAL_NEWS

In a bold move, top Pentagon officials announced that the military will be leading by example when it comes to dealing with Assault Weapons in America.

070604-M-5936S-003-M32MGL
From the Pentagon came breaking and historic news today as top officials announced that the military will be taking the lead in dealing with the Assault Weapons issue in America by banning all Assault Weapons from all branches of the service.

COL B. S. Talker from the Office of the Joint Chiefs told reporters, “there is no reason why our military needs weapons capable of firing 900 rounds per minute when our foes are stuck using archaic relics from the Cold War era.”

The move comes amid a growing domestic debate about the role of Assault Weapons in America and whether the Constitution makes room for them within the limits of the 2nd Amendment. Many within the media have declared that such weapons belong only on the battlefield, but after today’s announcement, even that is being questioned.

Talker elaborated, “essentially, continuing to improve military weapons only serves to escalate the level of violence in warfare. Since the advent of firearms there has been a tremendous growth in the amount of deaths on the battlefield. While we don’t hope to get rid of all firearms, it is our hope that limiting the amount of damage potential we can decrease the amount of deaths from firearms experienced during conflict.”

Response from service members has been mixed with a LCpl servingĀ at Camp Lejeune telling our reporters, “man, I really hope them Mayans were right…”

We will keep you up to date on this breaking story.